The Confidence Gap

 A major motivation for this venue is to preview themes I have toyed with writing about for years. But I am a chicken despite my bravado in many social (and social media!) situations. I have previewed a speech on my complicated relationship with confidence in select crowds which was well received which led me to this vehicle.

A blog appeals because I can chunk off pieces of my thoughts as a successful working mother who came of age in the Title Nine generation where there was the promise of equality but not always the reality. And one of the persistent implications for that for me and that I have observed for other women both my age and younger has been a lack of confidence. Not always in themselves but in how they should approach certain situations or of how assertive to be. While I've worked most of my career in and around education, I am not a trained educator or teacher. But it has occurred to me (as a mom and mentor) that we learn a lot of behaviors through mimickry or modeling and I have seen studies that back this up. The emphasis on mentors for under-represented groups stems from this phenomenon.

Due to my age (soon to be *cough* 54) and my accomplishments (that TITLE!) I am often approached to play a mentor role by other women and, did I mention I have three daughters? Truth be told, while it is among the most treasured of the roles I hold (mentor/advisor to young women -- and there are many from my days in the State House to my teaching at Williams who have gifted me in some way in that position) I also find some of my advice and insights cut close to my own concern about how bold and confident should I empower these awesome and talented women to be knowing what I know about the world? Because while much has changed for the better, I still encounter gender bias (frequently but not always unconscious or implicit -- pick your favorite word) in the work place. Almost every damn day. Certainly every damn month. Often every damn week. Most of it is harmless and not worth calling out. But it is annoying all of the time and pernicious in its impact on our psyche.

So I have often thought of writing about my own experiences with the Confidence Gap. The ways I've overcome it to achieve success. The times I have let it get in my head and prevent me from being a better leader or colleague. And to share some of my stories in part to illustrate how far we have come to hopefully give both insight and motivation to the next generation of kick ass women and mothers who also seek to achieve professional success.  But, except for my short post on Villages until now I have not really approached this topic head on here. But an event this week and some unexpected time in front of the computer has given me inspiration and opportunity. So here we go.

With Todd Hand, Boston Search Group, University Club, NYC - Capital Round Table

At an industry event on Education technology largely focused on the higher education and workforce vertical it was not surprising that 1. I knew many of the folks in the room and 2. Most of them were guys. I have almost gotten numb to the reality that many of the arenas in which I have found success are dominated by men: Massachusetts politics, Venture Capital and yes, even Education Technology. This conference, at which I have been a presenter and guest on numerous occasions, is heavily populated by CEOs, investors and bankers which, as you can see in the background of this picture, skews even more white and male. Don't get me wrong -- it was a valuable event. I am at a point where my tolerance for wasting time at anything is pretty much zero. And some of my favorite people in the industry attended including a large contingent from EY/Parthenon (https://www.parthenon.ey.com/po/en/home) whose founder really has been the godfather of my private sector EdTech career, and new and awesome colleagues (including a female partner) from Sterling Capital's Education Opportunity Fund (https://educationfund.sterlingpartners.com/) who sponsored a great dinner and invited my two colleagues from UMA.

So it was supposed to be just another -- hopefully highly productive -- few days in New York. I was glad to be closer to home than usual although not in the bitter New York weather. Because this is a relatively small conference it always launches with every participant briefly introducing themselves. While this can be quite tedious, I actually find it helpful as the content of conferences is really only half the motivation for attendance and networking is the other half. The introductions help you know who is there and also spare old people like me from having to peer at nametags all squinty eyed with my cheaters on. I was predictably at a back table -- while I joked about being at the cool kids table the reality is for women of a certain age (me -- I think I was the only woman over 40 there) ability to schedule your own breaks is pretty crucial. (Sorry for the TMI, but that is me). Anyway, we were nearly done with all the intros when the conference created a moment of hope and delight for me on the issues facing women seeking to successfully integrate work and family.

A younger, very put together woman -- dressed in a black dress because it is New York and the University Club has a strict dress code which we were reminded of in an email the day prior -- came in toward the end of the intros and sat (perhaps unbeknownst to her) at the table which was going to be right where the intros were ending. Literally ending within one or two people. She was a little on the younger side for the audience and did I mention on the female side? So, immediately my pre-conditioned mama bear head was going in to protective and worry mode. Protective as in: "I hope they do not make her introduce herself when she just got here because there is no way she could have read the room or has any idea what is happening." Worry was "Oh my God, I have no idea who she is but I hope her bosses/colleagues/funders aren't here if she DOES have to introduce herself because she is already obviously late and she doesn't need to embarrass herself too." Now -- these, of course, were all my insecurities. Because, truth be told, even though I value those introductions: I still hate them. Do I use the "G" word? Governor. Is it too old? If I don't do people think I am being coyly humble? Do I try to be witty or funny? Lots of people know me in this room or know of me, they are going to expect me to be a great public speaker -- how do I achieve that in a 30 second intro? Damn, I was never good at sound bites. And, I should have remembered this conference does these short intros and thought it through and had goals and practiced ahead of time. And why do I keep changing my mind about what I am going to say? What was I going to say?

Ms. Late Arrival had barely taken her seat when Mr. Conference Organizer (who, lets just say fit in more easily to the prevailing demographic) thrust (my perception, but good word choice or not?) the microphone at her and said "We were all just finishing up introducing ourselves." She must have just looked at him (I could not see it all but I imagine it as a very powerful look) and he added, "Could you introduce yourself, where you are from -- just a brief intro." By now I was already a fan. Whatever look or body language she had conveyed did not lack confidence and she did not let herself be intimidated. I am paraphrasing, by the way, and sharing this as I remember but it is directionally correct -- poetic license or whatever. This was her introduction:

"My name is Angela Ceresnie. I am the CEO of Climb Credit. And I had to drop my children off at school."

BOOM. Mic Drop.

And here, ladies and gentlemand is my new heroine:

Angela Ceresnie: https://climbcredit.com/about

She owned it. This made my day because I truly felt like I could not have taken that approach when I walked into a meeting late twenty years ago. Or fifteen. Or ten. Five? Debatable -- but by then I had that "G" title firmly in hand. I missed a lot of drop offs and other events because the workplace and public opinion were not ready to accept that women like Angela and a 35 year old Jane could absolutely be great corporate or government leaders and great moms. But 54 year old Jane desperately wants a world for her daughters -- Elizabeth, Lauren and Sarah -- where the Angelas are pushing the narrative and making it normal to be strong and powerful at work while being a mom.

One of the things I can do today is to applaud and support the Angelas. I can do that by definitely owning my story and being honest about my work/life integration challenges which do continue today. But, lets be honest that it is easier when you get to a certain age and stature. I hope I can also advance the cause by giving vocal and moral support to younger women like Angela so I did seek her out. I should not have been surprised as we got down to chatting more about business that her funder was Learn Capital -- and the partner for Learn that was in the room was a woman who, like me, is a graduate of Trinity College. I sent her a note, too, expressing my admiration for Angela's powerful introduction and presence in the room. My experience over the years has reinforced that women leaders do better and feel more empowered particularly on work/family and diversity issues when there are other women around the table and in their ecosystem. We need more than the one female partner at each Fund and the one or two female CEOs at these conferences, but we are going to get there faster when the female investors partner with talented female CEOs and they build great teams and companies that other women can see and emulate. I got to see that first hand this week.

Something else happened. As I was telling another professional colleague of my admiration for Angela's introduction and my observation of how things have changed, he offered that he, too, often will 'own' his family obligations. This one was more tricky and I hope, but I am not sure, I handled it correctly. What I wanted to do was to be grateful that he was on the right side of these tough challenges but I also needed him to understand that twenty years ago the men I worked with were getting applauded and honored for being great dads when they 'owned' their parenting responsibilities. There has never been a danger to dads in letting their work peers know they take an active parenting role. No one assumes that engaged Dads are less-than committed colleague unless they demonstrate less-than-committed-colleague behaviors. That was not the case for mothers 20 years ago. And, as Angela and I were talking, another participant shared that it is not the case today for his wife in a different type of company and role whose experiences sound more similar to mine than Angela's. So the work continues. But demonstrating confidence when you have the right conditions can push that boulder a long way uphill.

Three Cheers for Angela and all the nextgen working moms paving the way for my & our daughters. There is hope and reason to be optimistic.