Nineteen years ago the holiday season was not the most tranquil ever for me even though I was thrilled to be a new mom with a one year old and had a high profile dream job as Lieutenant Governor of Massachusetts. However, just before her first birthday Elizabeth had surgery to correct a condition called hypoplasia of the thumb. It was and is a relatively benign condition that likely only meant she was never going to be a concert pianist. It changed her monkey bar grip and to this day, if you know to look, you can tell the difference. But a world-class surgeon at Children's in Boston did a several hour surgery and her Barney-purple cast was adorable and that was that. However, soon after surgery we went on a trade mission to Israel, Jordan and then a personal trip to Poland to visit friends and right before we left Chuck and Elizabeth had a weird stomach virus. (That I suffered with during the trip). By the time we got home in early November we were all run down and E's chronic ear infections quickly turned into a bad cold that got ahead of us pretty quickly and before we knew it she had pneumonia. Not a fun few weeks.
Shortly after that, Chuck (who was doing the majority of caregiving while I attempted to prove to anyone who criticized my desire to work and have a young family) also got pneumonia and it hit him much harder -- probably in part because we had no family living nearby and we both have an aversion to asking for help and the virus got way ahead of us. I'll never forget finding him at home with a 107 degree fever, nearly delerious. Or the three days he was in the hospital and I juggled single parenthood and work without taking any time off and without any organized childcare (and not much extra money).
I was reminded of those long, scary days this summer when Chuck was blessed with a donor kidney on August 21st. The call came when I was in Tampa working, Elizabeth was in Boston also working, Lauren was in Manchester for double sessions for Field Hockey and Sarah was home getting ready for the first day at a new school for senior year in two days. I'll write about that chaotic day some time. And the ones the crazy weeks that followed when once again my entire well-orchestrated system for combining work (with travel) and family hit the fan. Fortunately for us, nearly twenty years later, we had more financial resources and were living back home near family and lots of friends. However, the reticence to ask for help had not changed much in twenty years.
That is the reflection I wanted to share on this Thanksgiving night. There are so many people in all of our lives who encounter these life events. A sickness, a death -- something that just throws your whole schedule to hell. By virtue of my robust Facebook network I see a lot of it play out on social media and just tonight I saw the "let me know if you need anything" posts. I know I have said and offered that so sincerely myself so many times. I also know that nineteen years ago and earlier this fall when I was so tired I could barely think and had so many things I had to do, that those generic offers were appreciated but really pretty much useless. The offers that helped the most? I can quote them:
"I have Tuesday off and you know I like to cook. I will drop off food for the girls -- what do they like to eat and when should I bring it and where should I leave it?" (And then no judgment on the request for shepherds pie and mac & cheese!)
"I am driving by the hospital this morning - can I bring you coffee? I don't need to visit, I can just leave you a coffee -- remind me what you take in your coffee?"
So on this Thanksgiving night as you count your blessings, if you have a friend or family member that is in one of those overwhelming moments that we all face (I am really hoping mine only come every two decades) think about a specific thing you might be able to do. And if you don't hear back, don't be offended. Wait a few days and suggest something else. Help is welcome, organizing it all and figuring out what you need at the craziest times can just sometimes be too much. But the offers mean a lot and I know for me, they have helped me to be a better friend (I hope) to others who are navigating choppy waters.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Shortly after that, Chuck (who was doing the majority of caregiving while I attempted to prove to anyone who criticized my desire to work and have a young family) also got pneumonia and it hit him much harder -- probably in part because we had no family living nearby and we both have an aversion to asking for help and the virus got way ahead of us. I'll never forget finding him at home with a 107 degree fever, nearly delerious. Or the three days he was in the hospital and I juggled single parenthood and work without taking any time off and without any organized childcare (and not much extra money).
I was reminded of those long, scary days this summer when Chuck was blessed with a donor kidney on August 21st. The call came when I was in Tampa working, Elizabeth was in Boston also working, Lauren was in Manchester for double sessions for Field Hockey and Sarah was home getting ready for the first day at a new school for senior year in two days. I'll write about that chaotic day some time. And the ones the crazy weeks that followed when once again my entire well-orchestrated system for combining work (with travel) and family hit the fan. Fortunately for us, nearly twenty years later, we had more financial resources and were living back home near family and lots of friends. However, the reticence to ask for help had not changed much in twenty years.
That is the reflection I wanted to share on this Thanksgiving night. There are so many people in all of our lives who encounter these life events. A sickness, a death -- something that just throws your whole schedule to hell. By virtue of my robust Facebook network I see a lot of it play out on social media and just tonight I saw the "let me know if you need anything" posts. I know I have said and offered that so sincerely myself so many times. I also know that nineteen years ago and earlier this fall when I was so tired I could barely think and had so many things I had to do, that those generic offers were appreciated but really pretty much useless. The offers that helped the most? I can quote them:
"I have Tuesday off and you know I like to cook. I will drop off food for the girls -- what do they like to eat and when should I bring it and where should I leave it?" (And then no judgment on the request for shepherds pie and mac & cheese!)
"I am driving by the hospital this morning - can I bring you coffee? I don't need to visit, I can just leave you a coffee -- remind me what you take in your coffee?"
So on this Thanksgiving night as you count your blessings, if you have a friend or family member that is in one of those overwhelming moments that we all face (I am really hoping mine only come every two decades) think about a specific thing you might be able to do. And if you don't hear back, don't be offended. Wait a few days and suggest something else. Help is welcome, organizing it all and figuring out what you need at the craziest times can just sometimes be too much. But the offers mean a lot and I know for me, they have helped me to be a better friend (I hope) to others who are navigating choppy waters.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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